It’s All Ok- Looking Back at Myself

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Saniya Laungani, Social Media Assistant

June 21, 2020

 

Dear Diary,

Every time I think about how I’m feeling, I get a pit in my stomach. It feels like I’ve given up on myself. I look in the mirror, and I see someone I don’t want to be. I hurt some of my closest friends. If they can’t forgive me, no way I can forgive myself. I keep telling myself to let go of my past, but I feel undeserving of being happy again. Undeserving of the love I once received from those friends, unworthy of the loyalty. I regret everything I said, did, and thought, and wish I could take it back. It’s been hard even if my problems aren’t as bad as others’.  When I think about how I’m feeling, I continuously need to remind myself that others have it worse. Who am I to complain? Maybe if I ignore my problems, they’ll go away. I need to start focusing on important things, like the load of chemistry homework I have, or the massive amounts of reading I’m falling behind on. I don’t deserve to move on, do I? I messed up. 

 

 

September 25, 2020

 

I need to learn from the past and improve as a person. It’s been a few months. I’ve managed to learn from my past by accepting my actions. I have. I’ve realized I can’t go back and change things , so I’ve instead accepted them. All those nights where I just stared at my ceiling wondering why I had dug myself so deep into a mess that I couldn’t get out of have finally come to an end. I had to learn that everyone that comes into your life isn’t always there to stay. I learned that the hard way, and I’ll carry that with me forever. There’s no point in beating myself up about past occurrences. I can’t go back and change anything. I need to accept what has happened and move on. I’ve grown as a person. I can finally look in the mirror and tell myself that I DESERVE to be happy. I always have. And I can be thankful for that. I finally forgive myself.

 

XOXO Saniya Laungani