Prepare for Sports Season (satire)

Ariana Fahri

Hang on for a minute...we're trying to find some more stories you might like.


Email This Story






1. Get inspired:
In order to focus on your sport season preparation, unfollow all the people who don’t inspire you to keep up that daily grind or remind you to work on your biceps. Serious athletes cannot afford distractions about boba drinks and friends. #Sorrynotsorry.
Post motivational captions on all of your photos. Athletes preparing for their new sports season too will be grateful for your posts and reciprocate by doing the same. Soon, your entire feed will be about getting in shape and fitness hacks.
2. Stay fit!
Doctors recommend drinking eight 8-ounce glasses a day for the average person but as an athlete, just the hint of mediocrity is insulting. In order to become better than the average person, drink more water than the amount advised by doctors who do not understand the grind.
Cancel all activities not relating to getting fit and practicing. If you are doing homework, obviously you are not committed to being a star athlete. Go practice!
3. Relax after practices! Save energy when not working out. Walking and breathing excessively wastes valuable athlete mojo and decreases energy for practicing. Why walk home when you can Uber and solve that issue? Why answer the doorbell when your parents can get it? Remember the path to being a star athlete is not easy, but life outside of working out should be.
4. Motivate Yourself:
Yell positive words at yourself in the mirror, frequently and aggressively. For example, phrases such as, “I can do this! Nike!” repeated in the bathroom has been proven to increase athletic abilities by 10% according to some Reddit sources.
Watch workout videos regularly every 24 hours. Real athletes deserve real entertainment, not any of this Tiktok nonsense. If you binge watch fitness videos, you are all but guaranteed a spot on the team.