Satire on Coach Talk

Ariana Fahri , Photo Editor

Coaches lead the team. They are the masterminds behind every game and player as they drive the entire team forward with their dedication to success. Of course there are different types of coaches, as well as various strategies to achieve victory on the battlefield, ahem matches. 


The coach is under a lot of pressure to succeed. Sometimes, this means carefully following the every move of the team during practice, especially since they have to call out the slackers at the end of the day. 


They have to ensure the team is running all of the drills perfectly. Any mistake leads to the entire team redoing the move, and eternal shame on the players and their family in the eyes of the coach. 


Most coaches are stressed out to the max at typical practice but that is nothing compared to the new levels reached on competition or game days. In order to successfully have a pre-game talk, coaches down a case of redbull that they bought at Safeway on their way to the game to give them the red-faced energy and scary vein bulging, necessary to get their players moving extra fast. 


At the end of the game, the coach’s personality will shift according to the end result of the game. A victory means well. To translate into advanced sports lingo, happy coach, fewer conditioning drills at practice. A loss, a zero in the score book, has immensely negative power over the morale of the coach. The coach, by the rules of Coachdom, must single out the mistakes made by individual players, especially Allison. 

Surely Allison needs to be stopped, not only in advisory, but by the coach as well. 


However, the greatest sin in the Coachdom book, the Cible, is looking at their phone during a game. The rest of the team will pray for the poor soul who made the big faux pas but nothing can stop the Coach from attacking. RIP. 


The Coach is every team’s backbone; without them,athletes would wander around like lost, unmotivated ducklings in the crazy world of sports.